Back-to-school
It’s that time of year again. In the thick of back-to-school, we’re about to rush headlong into the holidays. Somehow, from out of the September grind, we’re meant to engineer a season of magic, peace and beauty. It’s a perfect recipe for burn-out.
Moms often have an extra load on their shoulders with back-to-school shopping and meet the teacher, chauffeuring kids to activities, cranking up the crock pot and figuring out how to get the whole family around the table for a meal. This intensified work at home is often mirrored by an increased load at work. (Hi, teachers – I see you.)
Couples also experience more tension as the push-pull on each partner inevitably strains the dynamic. As your family creates new routines, it's more important than ever to keep a dialogue going so that each partner feels seen and respected. But that’s easier said than done during moments of heightened stress.
So this month I want to talk about two things you can do now so you aren’t running ragged into the holidays.
Examine your systems
For moms: As demands increase, examine your personal routine to make sure you’re taking care of the basics: exercise, hydration, outdoor time and diet. When back-to-school starts disrupting your habits, prioritize ways to adapt your schedule so that you still get what you need. It can feel easier to replace in-person hangouts or workouts with time scrolling on social media, but make sure you honor those interactions and activities that give you room to decompress.
For couples: Now is a great time to check in with your weekly plans – who’s doing the driving, the shopping, the meal prep, who’s on bedtime duty? Are there any major events coming up that need both your input? Do you have childcare for a regular date night and for those back-to-school nights where having both parents present can go a long way in keeping a balanced involvement?
For those of you who like technology, a family-friendly task management app like Cozi can help both partners keep their collective plates spinning with minimal friction.
Increase mindfulness
For moms: When we’re overscheduled, we’re often asked to task-switch, which means our days are made up of hundreds of micro-transitions. That sense of whiplash makes it hard to be present. Integrating mindfulness before, during or after a micro-transition can help ensure you’re running on more than just adrenaline. Pick a moment that can be a source of tension – carpooling to a sports practice – and as you’re pulling into that parking lot, think: how can you do it mindfully? Can you take a breath? Can you feel your feet on the pedal? Can you grasp the steering wheel? Can you implement a ritual as you unbuckle your child's car seats like a kiss or a song or a simple, “I love you,” something grounded and mindful, honoring that transition? And then, how do you want to stay present during the activity and how do you want to transition back home, and do it in a way that's not jarring, as you head into bedtime?
For couples: If individual mindfulness is a challenge in hectic times, finding ways to connect as a couple can feel exponentially more difficult. That’s where routines can help: committing to mindfulness as a partnership ahead of time makes it more likely that it will actually happen. (Bedtime can often be the ideal moment to slow down, since it’s what your body wants to do anyway.) Choose the kind of activity that works best for you – sharing affirmations and gratitudes, reading a story, listening to music, anything that grounds both of you.
Another way to incorporate mindfulness is a practice from the Gottman method called the six second kiss – named for the amount of time it takes, physiologically, to release oxytocin. You could try incorporating this kiss when you have a reunion at the end of the day.
I offer these recommendations with a caveat: don’t let them be a source of guilt for you. This isn’t one more thing to ‘fail’ at. Pick the thing that feels most aligned with your needs – and the most possible for right now. Maybe it’s a few deep breaths in the parking lot at the soccer fields. Maybe it’s a six-second kiss before shutting off the lights.
Whatever it is, know that you’re doing enough – that you’re enough – and it’s okay to pause, reconnect and recharge before it's time to make your New Year’s resolution.